Next week my baby has her first birthday, meaning I am officially 12 months into my postpartum journey. When I first found out I was pregnant, no lies, I was scared I would gain a lot of weight and ruin the body I had spent the last 5 years working so hard to build. I remained active during my pregnancy being careful to not overdo it. As I got closer and closer to delivering, I was getting excited for my comeback story. Another chance to transform and encourage others through my experience. I was excited to get back to my more challenging workouts to start feeling strong and fit again. I was excited to feel healthy and have my energy back again. I craved my routine.
Once getting home with Jaycee, I jumped right back into the hustle of daily life and tried to hang on to every moment of soaking in my last baby as much as I could. Maternity leave was like a dream. Ever since my first baby, I wanted to be a stay at home mom having my kids at home with me every day. Going back to work and getting back into a routine with a newborn was SO MUCH HARDER than the first time I did it. I struggled to find a consistent time to workout, I felt like I never had a moment to do anything for myself, sitting down to eat a meal didn't happen and when I had the chance all I wanted to do was close my eyes. The little bit of effort I was putting in to getting my body back after baby was cancelled out by all the junk food I would snack on between feedings or the quick processed meals we made for dinner. Winter started to sink in and so did the depression and anxiety.
By 4 moths postpartum I was so unhappy with myself and had zero amount of love for myself to be better. From past experiences of finding happiness through focusing on the balance between body, mind and spirit, I knew the habits I needed to instill to support the lifestyle and mindset I so strongly desired. I made a plan. Cracked down on my routines. Focused in on my workouts. Started doing a few things simply because I enjoy them again. Stocked up on my supplements to make sure I'm getting all the vitamins and nutrients I need. After a few months of consistency, I wasn't noticing any changes. Physically or mentally. Here I was 9 months postpartum, living my dream, yet never felt so far away from myself. I was so lost inside my head and doing the actions wasn't helping me feel life myself again. My mental health spiraled out of control. I felt like a fraud, like I was trying way to hard to be someone I'm not nor am I meant to be. I was constantly trigged and snapping at loved ones or falling into an anxiety attack. I was waking up each day already in my head, telling myself I am a failure so there's no point in continuing to try each day. I had to swallow my pride and accept the fact that once again, I was going to need some help to hold my power over the chemical imbalances in my brain. Doing it on my own efforts wasn't going to work this time and as hard as that was to accept, I know that's ok.
I'm a few months into my medication and I am slowly starting to feel like myself again. Or the woman I desire to be anyways. I get more moments of my spirt back again and it makes my soul feel SO GOOD. I am finding interest and motivation to get back into some of the creative hobbies I love and even have the desire find new hobbies I enjoy. Most days I am able to have a healthier mindset about my weightloss and am trying my best to not focus so much on the number on the scale getting back to where it was but rather to focus on feeling strong and healthy through pushing myself in workouts and making better food choices. I want to further research exactly what my body makeup needs in order to achieve the goals that I have. At my ripe age of 33 and after just having my second baby I know damn well that hormones have played a nasty role in losing the baby weight as well as having a hold over my mental state and I know there are more things I could do to better support my health that will balance out a lot for me. I am starting to have the strength to quiet the voices that tell me I'm not good enough to share my journey. I wanted to be open with my postpartum and encourage other women in my online community as I did before, but I felt so unworthy of coming before others to speak on a topic that I was so outwardly failing at myself.
I'm rebuilding myself and I am so excited to share what that looks like here with you and to grow along side you as we both continue living more balance, radical lives.
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